Issue No. 001

The incident began when Mama asked her son Fusuy to clean his bedroom. He said “okay” - a response investigators stress should never be confused with an indication that anything is about to happen. Following a period of complete inactivity, Mama assigned the task to his brother Lalib, who successfully moved the mess from its original location to a new location. He then declared the operation complete.

Mama’s Bearmone levels rose sharply upon inspection. Fusuy argued that cleaning was now Lalib’s job. Lalib explained that he had already done it. Both appeared confident that these were useful contributions. Mama resolved the disagreement by splitting one of the children into two halves, bringing the discussion to an immediate and geometrically unexpected conclusion.

Witnesses report that Mama pointed both halves back toward the bedroom. “Now there are more of you to clean it.” At press time, the top half was claiming it couldn’t pick anything up without the bottom half, while the bottom half had walked away.

A separate household report began with a mother of six children. As details of the day’s events emerged, an inquiry was made: “How many are left this time?” The answer was immediate: “One and a half.”

A follow-up question - “Wait, which half?” - was met with an equally immediate clarification: “The top half.” Our correspondent had prepared several further questions but decided the available information was sufficient.

The Bureau has updated the household total to 1.5. Its reporting system is refusing to accept the decimal. Mama has invited the system to come over and count them itself.

Archaeologists excavating an ancient Egyptian household have uncovered a single slipper beside an inscription provisionally translated as “I have told you for the last time.” Initial theories that the object was ordinary footwear were abandoned when a researcher picked it up and every member of the expedition immediately began tidying.

The slipper’s matching partner has not been located. Researchers believe it may still be in flight. Wall carvings appear to show the artifact changing direction around a doorway, prompting the Bureau to reconsider whether modern guided missiles deserve quite so much credit.

A junior archaeologist asked whether its powers had been exaggerated. The expedition’s oldest mother raised one eyebrow. He has since cleaned the excavation site, labelled all the pottery, and called to apologize for something he did in 1998.

A child was asked to put his shoes on. He asked why. Mama explained that they were leaving. He asked why. She explained that they needed groceries. He asked why. She explained that people in the house kept eating the food. He asked why. Mama took a breath normally associated with large animals preparing to defend their territory.

Following the fifth “why,” Mama took matters into her own hands.

The remainder of this report has been withheld to protect the mental health of our readers.

The child was never heard from again.

His shoes are still by the door.